Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Feelin' a Little Fallish

I tell ya what, I have just been sick of myself lately. I haven't posted much because it seems like pessimism and negativity is just oozing out of me: Waaaah! We can't find a place to live! Waaah! I have to have surgery! Waaaah! I can't sleep! Waaaaah! I hate moving (even now that we have a place to live, rather than "hurray!")! I mean, they say "knowing is half the battle," well GI Joe does anyway, but I do not think that knowing I am a negative grump is half the battle of being a positive and happy spirit. It is just not in me naturally. I know that sinful nature would dictate that it is not natural for any of us to be good, but God made people with different strengths and gifts. Everyone was made in His image, and so Joe Schmoe Pagan Guy (have I mentioned him before?) has delightful and valuable qualities about him that he can offer to his neighbor despite his ultimate unacceptability before God. It's part of common grace, you know. But my common grace portion did not include a cheerful disposition. I am sure that my Creator was very generous to me in many ways, but let's just be honest, I didn't get that enviable quality of effortlessly being able to see the bright side of things. I know the rest of the story is that I am now set free to pursue that, that God can enable me to see His hand in the midst of hard times or even just the beauty of His world wherever I go. There are many things to be positive about all the time and I can learn to look for those things and rejoice in the Lord always. It runs deep though, this vein of negativity, because I have tried to "look on the bright side of life," as the Monty Python boys would have it, and usually end up more frustrated because I feel like I am trying to trick myself! Can you imagine? What kind of a freak am I?!

Well anyway, today is just one of those days where I didn't have to trick myself. I started a post yesterday, a follow up to "Insomnia, Serving You Well," called "Insomnia, Kicking My Butt." I didn't finally finish it because I was half dead, or so it felt like to me. I didn't get to sleep for Sunday night until about 6:30 on Monday morning. And well, that just ticked me off. I did get to sleep until about 12:30 Monday afternoon, but nonetheless, yesterday was a grueling and miserable day and I barely made it until 7:30 before turning in for the night. I woke up at 9:30 though, a little discouraged that all the exhaustion only allowed two hours of uninterrupted sleep. I finally did get back to sleep around 2am and slept very nicely until sometime late this morning. As I was drinking my Sleepytime tea at 2am and praying that my Tylenol PM would be a good little drug and do it's job soon, I began trying to exercise that flabby part of my perspective, that underexercised optimism I want so much to tone up.

Maybe it was the tea or that my strategy for the evening was not to turn on the TV (lest it stimulate my mind and keep me awake longer), but I started feeling a little cozy, a little "fallish," if you will. I thought about school starting this week and September too. I have always also been in that tiny percentage of the population that gets the "summer blues." I love the start of school, when life gains a little structure again, but I never quite know how to keep myself in that routine nine months later when it takes a three month break. I love fall and winter and spring too (except that it means summer is coming), but I just wilt in the uneventful blah of the summer, always have. Plus, I hate being hot. Anyway, the three month break is over! I thought about how I need to get August some saddle shoes to replace his white summer shoes and Amabel some black mary janes to replace her white ones because Labor Day is Monday. I love saddle shoes and black mary janes (yes, Abby, we know, you still wear your own black mary janes!). I thought about how October is right after September and October is when we go over to Eckert's to pick apples and pumpkins, and how I'll have to borrow or buy someone's Baby Bjorn to carry the new baby while trying to do these kinds of things this year. I thought about how hot tea really is just such the nicest thing, and though homemade lemonade and garden fresh tomatoes and herbs really are so delightful, I much prefer pumpkin chocolate chip muffins and hot coffee on a cool October morning. I thought about Christmas even, and snow, and warm cozy blankets. I knew I was getting ahead of myself. I knew that if I ever did get to sleep, I would awake to another sweltering St. Louis summer day (waaah!). But I continued to indulge myself in thoughts of happy harvest days ahead until... SLEEP! Hurray! It was a good sleep too, because even though I woke up a cazillion times to use the bathroom and realized I was having major Braxton Hicks, I got right back to sleep when my head hit the pillow.

And upon waking up for the day, I found a delightfully overcast sky- yes, we Eeyores often prefer cloudy days- over a 67 degree world! 67 degrees, people! It's like a little gift. Actually, it's like a great big blessing. And so as I was driving along, enjoying a hot beverage on a cool day, to my next to last doctor's appointment (hurray!) I spotted a gas station. What's that I see? $2.65?!! Can it be? Indeed, it can be; not that that has anything to do with fall, but good news nonetheless. I went into the doctor's office and stepped up on the scale. Uh-oh, I gained two pounds in one week?! Not to worry, I still have a one pound margin. The baby is fine. We're right one schedule. 38 weeks down, two to go. I had a whole hour before I needed to get home and be with the kids in time for George to get off to work so I did a couple of errands and wound up at a swanky children's boutique. There were all manner of Christmas outfits out, I guess so people could get their personalized orders in early... or so I could be filled with more cheer! I'm not going to think right now about how it will be at least 95 degrees again before it's time to head to the pumpkin patch or that the summer sun will bring us many muggy miserable days before the winter sky brings Christmas snow. I will continue to indulge my fall fantasy. Afterall, Auburn football starts on Saturday and Amabel and I are fixing to make cocoa gingerbread brownies as a little tribute toward the good things to come. It's the little things, ya know? Actually, it's the big things, like a healthy baby, a full night of sleep and a thirty degree temperature drop.


rhb said...

Ok, you're hilarious! I am so feeling for you and the summertime pregnancy blues- I have sworn that I will never be pregnant in the summer in this land of no air conditioning! I am glad that you got to have a 67 degree day! We are having nice fall weather here too. Kind of weird to leave the sweltering South and arrive in fall 60ish weather and rain for several days. This morning as I opened the shutters, it was chilly. My trusty desktop weather is showing 52 degrees F here right now at 11:46 PM. Hang in there! You are sounding positive!

Fittsy said...

So are you prego, Rachel? When are you due if so?


Elizabeth said...

Okay, that's funny! Although when I first saw your title, I thought you were saying that you were feeling a little "fallish" as in Adam sinned, so we've all fallen into sin. And when I started reading about how you felt like you were always complaining, I thought the title fit. It wasn't until the end that I realized you were referring to SEASONS! :) Glad you've found some things to look forward too. I, on the other hand, LOVE summer and have the blues when I realize it's over. Although I always looked forward to school starting, I still felt a little depressed that "vacation time" was over. I HATE cold, dreary rainy weather, and crave the sunshine(I think I have that vitamin D deficiency syndrome), although I am looking forward to things being a little cooler.

Will be praying for the last two weeks...hooray!

the good, the bad & the ugly said...


I have to think ahead to the fall, too. If we didn't have the luxury of pool access I would be wilting. We swore no more summer pregnancies after #1, and here we are with our 3rd baby due at the END of the summer! You're post was really uplifting to me. I have actually been counting down the days until fall as closely as I have been counting down the days until our due date. September is in 2 days!!! And then October...my FAVORITE month of the year. I want the pumpkin muffin recipe! I can just smell the smell of fall now. Are you have your c-section at 40 weeks or are they going to schedule surgery sooner. You are almost there!!!

Abby said...

well sis, i wasn't going to say anything, but i was wondering the same thing... i'm sure you'll let us know. 52 degrees sounds like just what you needed after july. what's up with no new post for a month. i know you've had a big trip to America and everything, but you surely have time to share more misadventures with us ;)

bek, if she is, it's news to me. i think she's at least thinking about it, SA is eighteen months old and I believe that when she left Nashvegas some suitcases were packed with clothes more suitable for someone with child than without- of course she won't be back in the States for over a year so that was the reasoning in being "prepared."

elizabeth, don't you know me at all? i'm not sure what i mean by asking that, i guess it is funny. talking just about the Fall was the farthest thing from my mind :) but it does fit pretty much all of my posts don't ya think?

good, you are always the sweet voice of encouragement to me. my surgery is three days before the official due date. you and me both are probably happy with tomorrow for a potential birthday! this is my second september baby and amabel was july. summer pregnancy is all i know though, so i guess it's just yucky at the end no matter when! i'll post the recipe soon.

RHB said...

No, I 'm not pregnant...Yet. Just kidding, I am really not ready yet, but yes, thinking about #2 sometime in the not too distant future.

Promise to blog soon, Abby! :)

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