Sunday, March 18, 2007

Changes. Perspective. Big Things All Around.

As you all know by now I have been waiting for quite some time to turn into a grown up. All of this with Amelia has given me a lot of perspective. Don't get me wrong, I'm still no grown up, but I have felt really ridiculous for all my petty rantings and dramatic musings when there are such difficulties out there. I am so stuck in this stay at home life that it is easy not to see how there are many many people out there with really tough situations. Not that there aren't tough situations in my little world, but it is really good to put my little world into perspective. What is "tough" for me pales in comparison to what many people are dealing with. I tend to think of those people as living in straw huts or in depressed and dangerous areas of big cities, not just right down the way. But as a piece of good news, Amelia is doing better and we will continue to pray that she will be healed completely.

And tomorrow has a possibility of being forever known in my history as "the day Abby became a grown up." I mean don't expect too much but it's pretty big. Amabel starts school tomorrow. I know. I know! I have a child in school. That means I have to be up and out the door and down the road by eight o'clock every day. Whoa! That means I have to pack lunches. That means I have to have clean clothes ready. That means I have to get my act together! And it means a lot of other really important stuff for Amabel too, but I am avoiding that because it is just too much. She is leaving me from eight to three every day and that is just too much. I think it will be good. I know it will be. But I may just cry my eyes out. But we're not going to talk about that right now. Right now we're going to talk about me having to be an adult and stick to a schedule. I have been flailing around for quite some time and I have also been saying that for quite some time too. But there is something in me that thinks I just need routine to sort of give me structure and a purpose and it's just that I am not the type of person that can invent that for myself and need some type of outward structure to help me build on. I mean that's what had really changed the most since college right? So maybe I will rise to the occasion. I hope so. I hope I won't be the crazy mom who pulls up fifteen minutes late every day with the kid whose clothes don't match and hair isn't brushed. That's where people pleasing may actually help me. Because what would people think?!

I have a new perspective on that too. And on everything. So I have sort of begun to feel foolish over all my anxieties and insecurities when I look at how great I've got it, but I have to also recognize that I really do have these things gnawing at me. I think it boils down to, these things just seem huge right now. I'll tell you what the real problem is. The real problem, still paling in comparison to many people's, is that I have not had a full night's sleep in eight months. Eight months! I am tired. I am exhausted. And when you're tired, everything seems like a big deal. So I have this family member who doesn't particularly like me. So I have these two situations where I had to take the fall and it wasn't my fault. So George didn't help me give the kids a bath. So I forgot my coupons at the grocery. So a hundred things that I have thought would be the end of me. Seriously, the end of me. It's not that big of a deal. I should say that to myself a hundred times a day. It just seems like a big deal because I am so tired. And that is the real problem.

You may have mentioned this to me already. I'm pretty sure Rebekah and George did and maybe a few others of you. I might have said something like "I'm not really that tired" or just dismissed you altogether. I am really out of touch with my physical self. I always know how I feel emotionally. I have a hard time with my physical self. I was in a pretty bad car wreck in high school and then when I worked retail years later, standing up all day in heels on hardwood floors, my back started really hurting. But when I went to the doctor I couldn't really tell them where it was hurting. The upper? The middle? The lower? Don't know. I guess I just didn't really know I was so tired until recently either. Hunger creeps up on me the same way. All the sudden I am angry and ravenous and need food now. Jennie will vouch for that! Anyway, I need sleep now. All of the sudden, I'm aware of it. But I guess it's been this way for a while and that's why everything has just seemed so overwhelming and hard and exhausting. I was chatting with a friend about this at church today and she knew just what I was talking about. I'm sure a lot of you do. She said "it won't be this way forever." And that was just about the best thing she could've said. Thanks, April.

I promise a little bit on Amabel starting school sometime soon. It may take a while to process. And in the meantime, maybe I'll have more to write. But please continue to pray for Amelia. And maybe after that, throw in a little request for Elspeth to sleep so I can get some too!


april said...

You're welcome. I know that feeling of not knowing your tired and then your so darn tired you can't sleep...sorta a numb face, padding around on thick feet, that's how I can describe it.

It's okay to cry tomorrow, Clay would and he did everytime we took a child to school for the first day. It didn't matter if it was kindergarden or 3rd grade he left the school just feeling miserable. But, I skipped all the way to the car singing a song. Go figure the parent that goes to work is sad to take them to school, but the parent that stays home with them all day is giddy.

Elizabeth said...

Amabel in school?? Wow! I know it will be hard and an adjustment to your lifestyle in some ways, but I'm very happy for you, and hoping it will be a good thing. We're actually out on spring break this week, and I'm giddy with the idea of no set schedule, no assignments, not having to be anywhere...I have missed those days of being able to sit on the couch and read to my children for an hour if I want to :)

the good, the bad & the ugly said...

Everything does seem so much worse when I am sleep deprived, too. I really hope you get to sleep more soon. What's the story with Amabel? Did you decided to enroll her in the middle of the year like I did with Jackson or is school on a year round schedule and this is a new quarter or something? And what kind of school did you decide on? I hope she blossoms and loves it! Don't be surprised if getting used to carpools and early mornings is a little daunting. I know it was for me!

Fittsy said...

Wow, this is big news. Congrats to you and Amabel. Kindergarten, I'm guessing? Hope that it works out very well.


jennifer said...

George told me that school was on the horizon for Amabel. Great for her and for you! Don't worry. If you're one of those parents who is 15 minutes late every day, you'll hear about it. School punish parents for "tardies," as they are so sweetly named. You don't want to get these if you can avoid it.

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