Monday, March 12, 2007

Fighting My Demons

George said the other day that I, even in comparison to most people, sort of ooze self consciousness. Ugh. I think that is probably true. I know that everyone is self conscious. But I have a people pleaser kind of personality that predisposes me, like a pretty good percent of the population I'm sure, to sort of worry about what other people think of me. It is silly. And it is compounded with the problems of having two pretty significant and not completely resolved situations in the not so distant past where I was wrongfully accused. And the thing about being wrongfully accused is that it makes you defensive. But the thing about being defensive is that you can also be additionally accused of that by the wrongful accusers of being prideful and unwilling to be wrong. So it's a double whammy of injustice. And it causes all manner of second guessing- am I wrong? am I just being prideful here? etc etc. And then there is the truth that is that overly self conscious people are really annoying because they demand, however inadvertently and unintentionally, perpetual reassurance and attentiveness from others. I was awake most of last night agonizing over all of this. And then I woke George up to help reassure me. Well, that is a joke. I really just asked him to help me sort out my agony so I could get some rest. I do this every so often- lie awake and fret over those two situations and how I have not recovered so well from them. And I have no idea how to resolve it all. I know how wrongly people can judge or perceive one another first hand and it drives me c-razy. I also know that it is just part of life. And having a blog where whoever wants to can jump on and read all about me and think whatever they want and I have no idea who or what is torture! But it's also a little bit of therapy, I hope. I hope it will make me, over time, less worried about myself and how I am perceived. But so far, that's not really working out for me.

I have no idea why I am blogging about this. Someone said that blogs seem to often be a hope of being understood, possibly even exonerated. Sometimes that is true for me. Probably that's what this post is about. That and the whole writing is therapy for me thing. And often I blog about personal things as a public service of sorts. I cannot tell you how often I feel completely overwhelmed and weird about something only to have someone say that everyone feels this way sometimes. And I always think "then why doesn't someone say something?" So I say something. I am always saying something that I wish other people were saying. If we all feel this way, whatever the "this" is at hand, why don't we talk about it? I talk about "it" in hopes that other people will know that at least I feel "this" way too. But so far that's not working out for me either. Maybe there are scads of you out there who read and are relieved that I feel just like you do. But I mostly feel like it's just crazy old me. And now we're back to my self consciousness.

I don't know. This is just the junk that's sort of hindering me from having a normal thought process today and kept me from getting to sleep last night. I'm hoping that by writing it and putting it out there, it will have gotten "out of my system" and I can move on to something else, something more delightful, to post for you all. I really am delightful. I just have insecurities and frustrations that get in the way. I think everyone does. Someone told me that we see who we really are when things go wrong (it was actually one of the people involved in one of the two unjust situations I mentioned earlier). I think that is crap. That is something I need to forget. My kids whine when they are tired or hungry. They whine and they cry and sometimes don't obey and even just freak out. But they are generally cheerful and obedient children. They are. They just have weak moments, hard instances, where they give in to temptation and frustration. In much the same way, I can be negative and I can complain and be very frustrated about circumstances. But I don't think I really am a pessimist or a painfully unpleasant person. I mean I do think that. But let's change that (let me buy you a Heineken- ha ha, name that movie) let's think of me more as just a discouraged optimist. I am not only made up of the weak and imperfect ways that I deal with hard circumstances (and as you know, with the sleeplessness and the kids and the worries and everything, I have felt my recent/current circumstances harder than my previous circumstances in life); I really do have a very hopeful, perseverant (which is evidently not a word?), and yes, even optimistic spirit. So take that, all the yucky thoughts trying to drag me down. I am getting some sleep tonight!


katie said...

I hope you slept well last night!You have no reason to stay up at night and think about how you were right/wrong or how you wish you could be better or please more people. You're a great person!!! Everyone is self conscious, it's part of being sinful and human. Usually when I'm self conscious about something or one of your friends are self conscious about something someone tells me/them how they are crazy and they have nothing to worry about..right? Well, I'm going to do the same thing for you! You're CRAZY to think you're not good enough, not funny enough, not a good enough cook, not smart enough, not a good mom..whatever it is you're thinking about. You're great and this is coming from someone who has seen you at your best and has seen you at your not so best. Either way, you're still great!!! If someone judges you for a character trait, a bad circumstance or a weak moment then they are obciously not looking at themselves very well!!!...we all have them, we're all imperfect and if someone can't understand that then that's their loss!!! I understand how you're feeling (everyone does) but take a step back and look at the bigger picture...YOU'RE GREAT! You're an amazing mom, friend, you're hilarious, you make awesome biscotti, you're so smart, very good at scrabble (and you play by the rules), you're a good listener, you give good advice and I could go on forever. Please don't be discouraged or sad.
I wish this post wasn't so unorganized but I'm at work and I'm not supposed to be doing this. I love you and I hope you have a fabulous, care free day!!! Love, Katie

abby said...

you're the sweetest, katie sue! love you!

Blog Archive