Wednesday, October 03, 2007

My Two Taboos

I have this lingering feeling of impending failure. How's that for a first line?! I am not sure what it is over. I definitely feel like I am not "keeping up." And I am tired of trying. I worry sometimes that I may perpetuate some idea that seems to be out there, particularly in the South, that you have to be perfect. You have to look cute all the time (well, I'm totally not perpetuating that idea), as do your kids (guilty), as does your home (guilty, unless you come when I'm not expecting you and then you would see what it really looks like). You have to work out, eat right, cook every night and for those in need- actually, I don't have a problem with any of those unless it's a rigid, "you must obey this law" approach; those are good things if you're someone like me who likes to cook. You have to keep your kids from too much TV, read to them and read often yourself... I wish I had the sound effect of a record scratching, that sound on TV shows that sort of implies "wait a second!" Because I am so tired. Do you just feel like all you do is to meet the status quo? All you do is just to do what you're supposed to do? Maybe you don't. But man, I am burnt out.

As y'all know, my big love is baking. I mean I really love it, y'all, to the point that I have a bakery menu that I ever add to and even have it named. I am always telling my sister we will open it one day. But I have not lost any weight since having Elspeth. And I know I didn't gain much with her, but it was all there before I started. Part of this is nursing. Or I hope it is. I have never lost weight until I quit nursing. But I still have never gotten back to what I was. You people who do not have to worry about this have no idea what an exhausting thing it is. I have quit baking. I just quit. Because I eat stuff I make. And I upped my mall walking to 4 miles, which is just so time consuming. I run around all day doing errands or working at Amabel's school or whatever with barely enough time to get laundry done. I'm a pretty active person. And you would think that all these work outs and taking all these calories out of my diet and being always on the go would do something. But it never does. I should not be surprised. It never has before. I used to do Tae Bo every day. I have a friend who is ultra athletic that thought I was joking. But it's an hour long workout, you know. And you can't just go out and run when you have kids all over the place. Anyway, Tae Bo never made a difference either. I make myself feel guilty- "well there was that one day you ate some ice cream at 9:30..." or "you only work out four or five days a week; you have to work out every day!" It's emotionally exhausting, y'all. And the thing is, thin people are just going to be thin. My husband, my best friend, my sister, none of them work out. They eat what they want. They will never have to worry about it. Meanwhile, I'm over hear busting my butt and I look like I had a baby yesterday, not a year ago, and worse than a lot of people do when they're having a baby tomorrow.

Ugh. I don't want to talk about it. That's why I never do. Or do I and I just don't realize it? You people are all thin. I know you all and you all are, and I know you don't understand anyway. So, moving on. Except I can't. Because it's October. And I will be thirty in December. And I want to have another(my last) baby before the next December. So that leaves me four months to slim down enough to be able to pork up all over again! Yeah, I really don't want to talk about it. I will just go back to silent agony. Thanks. Moving on, really this time.

Here's the other thing stressing me out, another thing that I talk about a little more than the other but cringe every time I do. I really do not like money. I cannot even begin to tell you how stressed out I have been since George and I married. Yeah, for seven years, stressed out. I know, I totally need to get over it; George tells me that (gently) all the time. I want to. George says he feels sorry for me because I was so spoiled growing up. And I really was. But I was so unhappy too. And money was always the consolation prize. We would share how hurt we were by my dad never being around and always being angry when he was, and my mom would talk about what a great "provider" he was and how his "love language" was just to give us stuff (which actually was only sort of true. I have two things that my dad ever picked out for me: a jewelry box that plays "Edelweiss" and a tee shirt form Philip's Deli, my favorite place to eat in Nashville. On the other hand, I can't tell you how many checks he's written over the years). So I thought I would be fine with being poor and happy when I got older. It was actually sort of my plan. But having an anxiety attack every time you leave the grocery store or get a bill is not happy. And dipping into your kids college money is frightening to say the least. I know George is in school. But I gotta say, it seems like it will be worse when he's out. Right now, his student loans are deferred, we have free rent, my mom buys all the kids' clothes (which she says will stop when George graduates), and we have sort of a little light over our heads that says "we're poor; help us," that causes various people to give us hand me downs or send money or give us a discount. Of course, we also have no income. Still, I am freaked out. The real world is out there, y'all, and it is a pricey place to be. And I don't want my parents' help. That's another thing. I don't want them to have to help us. This whole getting married thing was supposed to get me out of that. I even dropped the Hawkins name.

I am not sure about posting this. I still have two more taboos that I am really not going to blog about so I haven't completely bared my soul to the world wide web. I talk things out though. I just have to get it out there. You people like that about me don't you? Maybe not all tacky like this. Well, you don't have to say anything, I'm already feeling better for having written. Except that I just went upstairs and saw the same board books all over the floor, the same toy basket emptied, the same clothes needing to be ironed, the same dishes needing to be washed, and I remember that it is more than the two big nagging stresses of my weight and my wallet. It is just the daily, tiresome, actually bringing me to tears right now job of being me. Maybe you feel the same way sometimes? George has a date planned for us tonight, for the first time in over a month. If I can actually get over how much it will cost, I might feel better tomorrow.


Renae said...

Well, I guess you weren't talking to *me* in this post, because I am so not thin, but I'll leave a comment anyway. Hee-hee.

And all I wanted to say is that I have the same experience with nursing. Ever since my first was born, I've been mad at those people who say nursing helps you lose weight.

I mean, forget the fact that at this moment I am at least 10-15 pounds heavier than I was at *full term* with my 1st baby... what makes me so mad at myself is that I had actually *lost* weight during my pregnancy with Lucy (I was pregnant with her when we found out Eliot had autism, so I've called that pregnancy my "autism-stress diet." I don't recommend it.), then promptly gained it all back during the next year, during which I nursed her the whole time.

Clay and I have a date tonight, too. We're going to a concert. How about you?

rebekah wright said...

i wrote my comment on your e-mail so i wouldn't take up the whole comment page:)

Jessie said...

Abby, its okay. You're beautiful and you're a servant and you are honest and gracious and a blessing to so many people. Everyone has their taboos, and really, it will pass. I didn't lose weight w/ E until I quit nursing him (at 7 months - what a bad mom) and did weighwatchers strictly for 3 months. It will come. Maybe not until after little Edema #4, but it will and these few years won't seem that long then...

And I hear ya on the money thing sister!

the good, the bad & the ugly said...

I am down to my pre-birth weight from this last pregnancy, BUT it is almost the same weight as the day I GAVE BIRTH to my first. I am finally feeling motivated to be healthy again. I think knowing I have had my last baby is a great motivator. I keep reminding myself that my body has been through its last stretching, so why not get in shape? I have nothing to lose (or gain?). With regards to money, Randy Alcorn writes an amazing book called The Treasure Principle. It is not about budgets or rules, but deep truths about ownership and stewardship. You would enjoy it, I think. Hope you have fun on your date.

courtney said...

Oh, Abby, the beauty of your writing is that everybody (but mothers especially) can see themselves in what you're describing. I was reading thinking: Yep, done that and yep, thought that, too. Isn't it crazy where our minds take us? You are one of a kind and that's that. You always have been and you always will be. Baby weight or not, riches or rags, you stand out as going against the status quo in the most attractive of ways. Hope your date is great!!!


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