Sunday, March 09, 2008

The Owl, The Carnation, The Cardinal and Straw

Honestly, I think I am somewhat slap happy. It is after nine on Sunday evening and I should be making Easter dresses. But I just took a look at my blog and decided the colors were ugly. I have always thought it would be hilarious to do red and yellow for a while but I couldn't get it to look not ugly. Until now. Not that this is beautiful. Just funny. Cardinal and straw.

I had an unaddressed conflict with some family a while back, where I just felt I was not being heard or respected as the parent of my children. I hope that is neither confusing nor exposing, but it isn't really that big of a deal anyway. But at the time I was really upset. I was so upset that I started having nightmares about these people kidnapping the children. I know, I am crazy. And as a crazy person, I told my friend Rebekah all about my dream to demonstrate how very distressed I was. I explained how in one dream I tried to convince George to come with me to try to find our kidnapped children but he wouldn't. I went alone, searching back roads and stopping here and there looking for information, when I ran into two girls from my sorority (at a charming boutique, of course), who helped me find the seedy motel where the children had been taken. And here my chronicle was interrupted by laughter as Rebekah recounted how my subconscious had designed that in the event of the disappearance of my children, my husband would refuse to help me, but my sorority sisters would not only come to my aid but provide the clues needed to recover my lost children. And in case you're wondering, when I found the children, they were fine for the most part, except that Amabel's ears had been pierced. This sparked a fight between me and the family member responsible for the piercings, which ended when George entered and punched him out. So George came to the rescue in the end. Only after the Chi Omegas.

It's really much funnier when I tell it in person. Especially because I can tell you about all the sketchy details without being too alarming. But I think what Rebekah pointed out was interesting. I joke about it a lot, but why do I have a warm place in my heart for something as seemingly snobbish and arbitrary as can be? I do not generally think I would like my girls to go through Rush and be in a sorority. Not at all. But if they were to pledge Chi Omega? That's a different thing. Why? I think part of it is the legacy thing. My grandmother, my aunt, my cousins, my sister, all of us were Chi Os. But that means all of us went through the mean process of scoring and cutting and pro-con-con-pro-ing. Yuck! The justification at the time was "she'll be happier somewhere else." And to a degree, that is true. I got cut from a lot of sororities and I know I would not have been happy in them. But why are we happy in an exclusive club with silly passwords, hand shakes, hymns, and initiations in the first place? I think it is that we belong to something. It is nice to belong to something. Ideally, anyone can belong to the Church. But so often our individual churches are their own little social clubs, and we sometimes feel we do not belong at all. Ideally, biologically, we all belong to families. But so often families are painful or lonely or even absent.

I take it back, I am not slap happy. This is the third post I have written tonight (George is at a friend's house for a fantasy baseball draft), and they all end in this very pensive and somber way. I am not meaning to be melancholy, this is just what keeps coming up. Something about belonging and being cared for and having a home. In so many strange ways Auburn is home to me. I met George in Auburn. I married George in Auburn. And I was a Chi Omega at Auburn. I pretty much became me in Auburn. It is weird, I know. Too bad there's no job for George in Auburn now! Well anyway, take from this what you will, I have no idea what I am talking about. I just wanted to have a Chi Omega moment for the Chi Omega colors. And I guess I am beginning to feel somewhat homeless again as graduation swiftly approaches. I have high hopes for a place to belong, to thrive and grow and serve. I have deep fears of some sort of difficult, dark and lonely season ahead, where we are sure to "learn something" and "gain wisdom" and be miserably unhappy! Oh me of little faith!


The Rays said...

Hootie Hoot! I am in agreement for Maryn. I don't really care if she goes through rush unless she is a Chi O. And I wasn't even a very good one!! But it can be where you meet your best friend :)

the good, the bad & the ugly said...

Hootie Hoot! Abby, every time I read your blog I am reminded to pray for you. I know you are about to be met with yet another big transition. I pray that God will surprise you with enormous peace and blessing!

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