Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Oh well, sorry about this...

Seeing as how I value vulnerability and honesty and all that, I'm going to go ahead and post this. I write that not exactly knowing what "this" will be, but knowing that I am in an extremely grumpy mood, that I feel extremely sick, that I literally did not get any sleep last night, and that all of this is very bad timing as we are moving out next Saturday. We lost a couple of days yesterday. I have been saying the 15th all along because that is when our lease is actually up. But the 15th is a Tuesday and I have to clean after we move everything. So the best day to get moving help is, of course, on a Saturday. We looked at all of these details and made a decision yesterday and so for all practical purposes, I lost 3 days to pack. And let me just whine a little, because that's what I feel like doing. I have to pack everything into storage and keep only what will actually fit in the van to take with us to my parents house where we will be staying for who knows how long. I really don't care on most days. I mean, it's just par for the course. And yes, all you dear Nashville people, I will be glad to see you. But you do understand that you will have to have me over to your house as my parents will be overwhelmed enough with the five of us there and never have taken kindly to me having folks over, and of course, we are unemployed so we will not be able to meet you out anywhere. That is the unfortunate thing about all of this. I love Nashville. But one does not experience Nashville in quite the same way without cash. However, one thing I need nothing but my New Balance and my iPod to treasure is Percy Warner Park. I'm comin' Percy! I mean, a vacation at the Carnster's house is all good and well, but being freeloaders, reliant on the parents for even money to buy diapers, is quite a different thing. On the other hand, I truly do realize how fortunate we are to have parents with a giant house that are willing to take us in for as long as we have need. But let's just be real here, this isn't a "pleasure visit" to Nanna and Poppy's house.

I don't know why I am telling y'all this. I think I have seen in the past that when I hit the lowest of lows, God usually blesses my honesty and vulnerability. Even just those prayers that have the kind of frustrated and hopeless edge to them (you know the ones), seem to be the ones he uses later to remind me of his faithfulness and loving kindness. At this moment, let me just say that he seems neither faithful nor loving nor kind, but that I know that he is all of those things. I say that just so you can tuck it away and then the next time you feel like you are questioning the very core of your belief in a good and loving God, you can know that you are not the only Christian who has ever dared to think such thoughts. That's how it feels isn't it? Like you are dodging a lightning bolt to even let your mind wander into that line of thinking. Some folks would say we do that because we are horribly selfish and immature and spoiled. But it pains me to think of God looking down on me in my time of legitimate fear and anxiety and adding those accusations to my distress. If you all can look on my situation, as so many of you have, with legitimate concern and compassion and generosity, how much more does our Heavenly Father? And yet, why is that so hard to believe? Why is it easier to believe that God is not nearly so nice as some of his people? I think it goes back to dad issues and especially to pastor issues. George preached on Sunday night and got to one point in the sermon where he said something along the lines of "this is the part where usually, we turn the screws and really tell you what you are doing wrong and how you could do it better, but instead, I want to encourage y'all and tell you what you are doing well, to give you a positive example." And well, I just thought that was pretty wonderful. I know I am a little biased. And I definitely don't want to sound like I am criticizing my current pastor in any way, because I'm absolutely not. I just think that generally speaking, pastors do tend to give a "you know what your problem is" message an awful lot of the time. And it makes it hard not to go through life thinking about what your problem is, what a horrible sinner you are, all the time. I mean, are we God's children or are we his enemies? Being his children doesn't mean we don't do wrong things all the time, but just like our own children do wrong things. I certainly hope that as parents we are taking more time to tell our children how much we love them and what they are doing right than telling them every little thing they are doing wrong all the time.

I am not thinking too entirely clearly, so I can imagine I am not writing too entirely clearly. This is just me today. And yeah, I think it probably has a little bit of an edge, and George is not here to make sure I am not saying something dreadful before I click the little orange button that will make this available for all to see. But I'm going to just put it out there. I ask for your grace if this is all wrong; this is a particularly rotten day for me. If nothing else, be encouraged next time you have your own particularly rotten day.

7 comments:

The Rays said...

i should've called this afternoon and we could've complained together- although you have a lot more to justifiably (is that right??) complain about than i. appreciate your vulnerability and am confident He does too. still praying for you. lots. love you. jennie

Wrights said...

I am so sorry you are having such a hard day and that the plans keep getting changed. That would definitely be very frustrating. And I think you are very normal to have times of questioning God and wondering if He cares--every Christian has done that, they just don't talk about it. I am glad that you did talk about it and I will continue praying for y'all. And, I will have y'all over to our house lots when you get here. And maybe I'll pick up some fruit tea from Meridee's too:)

the skocelai said...

Thanks for the exhortation to be loving our kids up rather than tearing them down! And, it always helps me to relate to how God views me if I think of how I see Emory. Even if Emory is whining, I generally feel compassionately towards her rather than having a "get over it" attitude. I like the way you aptly pointed out how compassionate God must be towards us since we feel compassion towards our own children and we are weak and fallen. AND, we are are God children and not His enemies. It is high time we realized He loves us far more than we love our own children. That's pretty amazing to me. Think of the things we willingly do for our children and how much more willingly our God has already sacrificed for His children.

Sonja said...

Hey Abby its me the one who had no idea who Owen Wilson was - so sorry I'm getting way too old. Anyways, I appreciated your honesty and know that many others did too. You know from our conversations how I feel about all of this, I have continued to pray for all of you and know that the Lord has just the right place for you all unfortunately its not always our timing. Let me know how I can help this week - please really I can pack boxes, watch kids, etc. you know I can deal pretty well in chaos. sonja

courtney said...

Well, yes, I will glad to maybe be able to see you this summer. But, I can see how being on a course at a steady, even fast, pace through seminary and then right at the finish line- you're standing still, can be pretty frustrating. (what a run-on sentence!) I don't want to sit here and tell you something you already know, but, to encourage you, you are right. You and your hubby and your children are so very precious in His sight. That never changes. Praying for you all-

Courtney

Jessie said...

I've been thinking about you a whole lot this last week! Sorry I can't be there to help right now. We'll be home on Monday night, so I will be available all next week for you. And of course, I'll help you clean. Love you, Abby!

Anonymous said...

Abby,
I don't know if this is working, so I won't leave a big response--but I do want you to know that I am excited you will be in Nashville for a bit (even if the reason is hard), and we would love to have your family over to our house for food, swimming, whatever works.
Sara

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