Friday, November 07, 2008

I Can't Believe I Said That

I am at Panera Bread, this time inside the building, to crank out a quick post. I keep thinking of a post I put up a few weeks ago where I was talking about how recently I feel like the people I know are in a whole new tier of suffering. I guess maybe it just comes with knowing more people, and with getting older. There used to be so much drama over a breakup with a boyfriend or a manager that got on your case! As we get older, it takes a little more to rattle some of us, to push some of us, and maybe that is one reason the Lord gives us bigger trials. Anyway, one thing I said, that I was not clear about, and really shouldn't have said in the first place, was about how there are bigger things than not being able to have a baby right away. And well, that was a jerky thing to say. I was thinking of people I know who have had a child die, or who have tried for years and years and had miscarriage after miscarriage and never a full term baby. So, in light of that, having to play around with fertility treatment after a year is not that bad. But, during that year, you have no idea that it won't last forever, or that  you will have a baby in a very short time. So, it is a huge deal. And it was stupid of me to say otherwise. I have been through the ordeal with friends, and I really do know, though not from my own experience, how scary and trying it is. I know that it can be agonizing when girlfriend after girlfriend announces a new baby, and you are wanting to be supportive of them and yet their joy accents your absence of joy. And you wonder how come she has three and I can't even have one? And your constant prayer is "how long oh Lord?" I know that. 

But I can be insensitive about things I haven't had firsthand experience with. It is a sad thing, but true, and I am always working on it. I am the one who found out I was having a baby while on the pill five months into marriage. So what do I know about the heartache of infertility? Please forgive me if I offended or hurt you. No one has said anything, but there has been a little cringe that comes over me every time I remember writing that. What a horrible thing to say! 

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