Monday, January 19, 2009

Sick

You have no idea how many drafts I have written today. I am in some sort of funk. It's an I-feel-like-an-idiot funk. I have finally decided I better not make myself feel like more of an idiot by being overly sharing about it. Let's just say that I feel weak. Weak and immature. Weak and immature and unusually sinful. It's disgusting. Add to that self loathing, an icky aspect of narcissism, because I feel oh so unlovable too. Gross. Plus, I ate way too many Valentine's M&M's. Valentine's M&M's always were my weakness. They're pink! And not only did I eat too many M&M's, but I didn't eat anything besides M&M's since breakfast. No wonder I feel so gross. But it's more than that. I feel lost. I feel the fear of the unknown heavily. And why? Why would I feel it on a day where my husband actually has work? Right after a cozy weekend with the dearest of friends? I think because they didn't make it better. The job is good. Friends are good. But there is still this uncertainty and unrest. Where will we go? What will our lives look like? Who will our neighbors be that we will love and serve and be loved and served by? What will home be like? I wondered these things aloud on the way home from our country church interview last week. (I cannot tell you much about that day. It is still the source of much ambivalence for me. It shows me that I know so little about myself; and maybe that I have at least matured enough to have let go of my very narrow idea of what life should be like.) As I went over these questions out loud, my seven year old overheard. I was not inclined to receive her response, as it seemed a very know-it-all thing to do, to respond to one's mother's existential quandaries with such a confident and simplistic answer, but it was after all, said most cheerfully and encouragingly, and moreover was actually quite sage- "wherever we are is where God wants us to be." 

I have to say, I am sick of these easy answers. 

2 comments:

jennifer h said...

Easy answers are really hard answers because you have to work to live like you believe them. You know what A said is so true, and be encouraged that you and George have taught her well so that she responds to your concern with these words.

Praying for you today that it is not as much of a funk as yesterday.

Wright Family said...

I was going to say the same thing...you and George have taught Amabel to trust in God and His will very well. I am praying for encouragement for you today.

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