Thursday, January 08, 2009

This Gets a Little Scary Toward the End

So I have been doing a little sprucing up. I have so few pictures, and I know that is not ideal. So now you all have pictures of the books I have read so far this year. Get excited! Also, note the puny 6 miles so far this year. I will confess that I walked 2 of them today. Well, I walked two after I ran two. I decided tat they count. If I just go out and go for a walk one day, I'm not going to count it, but while I am still trying to build mileage, I am just going to say that any walking done in the same outing as running counts. Otherwise, I know I will get really discouraged if I have to take any kind of break while I'm working my way up. I'm sure you can all understand. 

Tomorrow, the fam is driving across the great state of Missouri for a job interview. That's right, folks, a job interview! Well, an informal job interview, but an interview nonetheless. I don't want to get into it now, but I will fill y'all in after it's all over. However, any of you who have been praying for us during this eight month span of unemployment would be so appreciated if you remember us especially tomorrow. I will say that I emailed some close friends tonight with some of the details and found myself articulating something I hadn't completely realized yet, that I have really kind of lost hope of our current situation being temporary. Eight months just doesn't seem "temporary," especially when you have no idea how much longer. I've as good as forgotten about most of our things, packed away in storage for six months now, and have quit expecting or even hoping to hear of any promising opportunities any time soon. I know, it's the world's smallest violin, and it's playing for me! I really don't mean to sound whiney or despondent, though I know that is exactly how I sound. I just had a moment of clarity and wanted to share. It's like, I had no idea I had taken this this hard. And so many people are so eager for me to not take it hard. So I think it was somewhat imperative, for a people pleaser like me, to stamp a happy face on the situation, or at least just get comfortable with it. On the other hand, there gets to be a point where you don't have any emotion left for a situation, where you really do realize that crying or complaining will get you nowhere and you just need to do what you have to do to keep going. 

I hate to compare this "season" to losing a loved one, because it's not nearly so severe, but my counselor has reminded me that I have lost my home and my life as I knew it and planned it to be, so it is a legitimate and somewhat significant loss. And what comes to mind is Sam in Sleepless in Seattle answering the radio host about what he's going to do in spite of his devastation over his wife's death, "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out all day long..." Okay, so I definitely have a flare for the dramatic. But that's what I've done. I'm not sure if y'all remember me sharing about my good friend whose husband died right before Christmas last year. I have talked to her about what she's going through and it is not at all unlike what Sam said. Sometimes what I say to her about how I feel about our situation gives her the words to describe her own, much more painful situation. She jokes about people telling her she's handling it so well, just to keep keeping on, but she wonders what the alternative is. She remarked (with the usual goodnatured laughter in her voice) that she could "just curl up in the fetal position on the floor in the corner," but that she certainly couldn't stay that way forever, nor would it do any good. And we both recognized that that mentality helps us get through the day to day, but that every now and then we look up and have kind of a realization of where we are and what we have or haven't dealt with. Well, please forgive the vulgar comparison of a healthy, loving family of five with supportive church family and friends who just happen to be having a rough go of it lately to someone who has lost their beloved.  I know it's not the same. I think I am doing it more for myself anyway, just to give myself license to recognize the sadness of our situation and to be sad about it- even if it won't do any good. But that certainly was not what I set out to do. I really just meant to say we had a tiny possibility on the horizon. And hey, I've run (sort of) six miles this year!

4 comments:

Practically Perfect... said...

I'll be praying that things go well for you and for your family today!

Wright Family said...

We've been praying all day. Love y'all.
rebekah

e.c. said...

I'm praying for y'all now, and yes, I picked up on that realization in your message....it did make me sad, and like you said, there's not really much you can do other than keep on going, praying, and hoping(if you dare, not that you shouldn't dare, just trying to articulate what I know you're feeling, and how hard it is to hope when you don't want to be disappointed, or don't have any energy left to hope).

On a lighter note, I'm impressed with all you're reading...do you want me to send you my reading list...ha! You would laugh so hard...mine is not nearly so sophisticated, but then, I guess you already knew that I read Twilight. I can at least say that I'm a very eclectic reader!
love,elizabeth

jennifer h said...

We're praying and curious. Keep us posted.

Re: the loss you speak of, it is indeed significant loss. But you are doing what's right. Elisabeth Elliott quotes an old poem "Do the Next Thing" that expresses this idea well:


"At an old English parsonage down by the sea,there came in the twilight a message to me.
Its quaint Saxon legend deeply engraven that, as it seems to me, teaching from heaven. And all through the hours the quiet words ring, like a low inspiration, 'Do the next thing.'

Many a questioning, many a fear,
many a doubt hath its quieting here. Moment by moment, let down from heaven,time, opportunity, guidance are given.

Fear not tomorrow, child of the King, trust that with Jesus, do the next thing.

Do it immediately, do it with prayer, do it reliantly, casting all care. Do it with reverence, tracing His hand, who placed it before thee with earnest command.
Stayed on omnipotence, safe 'neath His wing,leave all resultings, do the next thing.

Looking to Jesus, ever serener,
working or suffering be thy demeanor,in His dear presence, the rest of His calm,the light of His countenance, be thy psalm.

Do the next thing."

Raising children and all that goes along with that is the biggest "next thing" there is. Whenever I get in a funk over life's circumstances and feel like crawling in a hole, I remind myself to "do the next thing."

You've done a great job of doing that during this season of your life, Abby. Keep it up.

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