Abby's Top 10 Favorite Things About Going Home
10. No more people asking me how many times I went to the bathroom today.
9. No more beep! beep! beep! beep! for twenty minutes at any given time during the night from any given machine in any given location for who knows why, and why won't a nurse just turn it off!
8. No more "confused" fellow patients. Bless their hearts. But it was kind of creepy.
7. No more nurse Karen coming in at 8am wondering why I'm tired, why I haven't eaten my breakfast, if I can't please let her open the window, and remarking, rather judgmentally, that I really haven't gotten enough exercise yet today. No more nurse Karen! Hallelujah!
6. No more of any of the night nurses. Night nurses don't write their names or their phone number on the white board, so good luck if you actually need something at night. They make their first visit right when you first get into a deep sleep and then insist on having a complete workup and question/answer session about the details of your stay, which is completely pointless because they will be gone before you wake up in the morning.
5. No more perky nurses. Perky nurses are all good and well, but when you have pneumonia and someone with perfectly placed hair and immaculate makeup bursts in the room with "Hi there! How are you?!" what do they expect? Right, your immediate contempt. Because your answer is, through cough and groan and greasy hair, "really, really sick."
4. No more plastic hospital bed. These things do not breath well. And I always end up with a sore butt, and some sort of minor heat rash on the back of my legs before it's over. I very much look forward to the swanky sheets my sister got me for my birthday and Christmas. 600 thread count! 100% cotton sateen delight! That's right. And my duvet. My lovely splurge of a duvet, full of happy happy goose down, that actually matches the walls in the bedroom we're in now perfectly.
3. No more menu orders. The sweet menu lady comes in twice a day to ask me what I want to eat and three more times to bring me my meals. I really like the sweet menu lady. But the sweet menu lady seems never to have been nauseated in her life. "Alright, Miss Abby, for dinner, we have a deep fat fried pork chop with bacon grease gravy and creamy mashed potatoes with..." "Um, no, see I've been pretty nauseated, do you have anything lighter?" "Oh, yes, our lighter option tonight is a crab salad..." "No, sorry, I think maybe I'll just have a fruit plate. Can you get my nurse? I need some phenergan." I have had a freaking fruit plate for the last eleven meals. I don't understand how hospital food is so heavy and unhealthy. I feel sick just hearing about it. So it's been me and my grapes and pineapple chunks and (very unworthy of being eaten) melon slices just hanging out. It will be nice to be able to think in terms of what they have at the grocery store and not what sort of deep fried nastiness they have in the cafeteria.
2. Clothes. Pajamas. We can combine these two because they're both in the category of "not gowns."
1. Amabel, August, Elspeth. I can't say anymore about them or I will weep. Home is where they are.