Sadly, I think I have been so overwhelmed with life over the past year that it has gotten to the point where I am just trying to get through the day, and I enjoy very little about my children or much else, for that matter. So maybe I am unable to properly instigate these conversations because I am not functioning on a normal level. With George being gone so much all the time, and with the loss of the car, and with the commencement of our family's experiment with homeschool, I have been with my children alone from dawn to well past dusk almost every day. There are certainly sweet moments of relief when a family member watches the kids for me, but for the most part, I have been with my kids, without relief, for more than I can handle. No mother's morning out, no school, no nights out for me and George (Well, we went out twice in May. That was really nice!), no overnight trips to the grandparents', no helping hand with suppertime or bathtime or bedtime or any other time, no neighbor friends that they can just go play outside with and be occupied with for a while. I am weak. I know many people could handle it better than me, but I am just not handling it well. We use the TV way more than I would like. And somehow, no matter what I do, I can't get them all in bed before nine or ten. So, that's a lot of hours on the mommy clock. And I can barely get myself together to do what needs to be done, let alone bring the children in on it and make it a family affair. Of course, that is not always true, some days we still bake cookies together or take George to work so we can have the car and do fun stuff around town. But lately, to be honest, I just want my children to go away. Please understand, I love them more than anything, but I just need a break. A nice, long break. And that's why I am so glad that I didn't sign up to volunteer for Vacation Bible School! It sounds terrible, I know, but I just didn't know if we'd still be here back in the spring when the sign up sheets were going around. Of course, we are still here. At the time, I thought I could probably jump in if we were still here. But now that it is one week away, I am thinking that it will be better for my family if I just let our sweet church family take care of my children for a few days.
Blogging during this time is very strange for me. I feel like my circumstances are very unusual and I am not quite able to think about things like I normally would. I have less patience all around, and I just feel flat out exhausted and defeated. On the other hand, I don't want to sound like I think I am unique, that my life is just so much harder than anyone else's or that no one can understand what my life is like. And then, there is the truth of the matter that is, many people really can't completely understand. I try to spell it out sometimes, but I feel like it just comes across as whiney. George loves those "funny" video clips where people are busting or getting smacked by some sort of flung object- real life slapstick, if you will. I never really process that like he does. He looks at the screen and says, "Wow, that would really hurt!" and I just sort of have to think about it and think "well, yes, I suppose it would." There is something in me that doesn't naturally sympathize with the physical pain that someone else is experiencing. Even when I think about it, I still can't really imagine, not the way George can, and it only occurs to me to think about it because he is "moved" (to laughter) by it. I am not sure if this has something to do with me having a high threshold of pain? Maybe it's from lack of my own mishap on motorbike or massive sledding hill? Anyway, I think there is the same idea with people's emotional pain. Some people look at someone else's sorrows and say, "Wow, that would really hurt!" And some people have to hear that and look again and think about it, but still can't really incarnate the way that others can. I am guilty of that very often. I have had to learn to take the steps to break down someone's situation, which is really what I'm doing to myself when I write about my frustrations. I think "why do I feel this way?!" And then I have to go through and figure it out to make sense of it. But I don't want to weigh y'all down with the stresses and emotions of all of this. Yet, on the other hand, I don't want to pretend it's not happening and do the thing I can't stand, act like I don't get frustrated or sad or fighting mad. I don't quite know what to do....
And I have to leave it at that, because I really don't know what to do. It's a weird time for me to be blogging. And the "pretty funny" part to the title of my blog has long been a misnomer. Right now, George has his first morning off in months, I think. And what is he doing? He took the kids out of the house so that I could just be in the house without having to referee arguments or fix snacks or read stories or bark orders. I really have become a meanie too much lately. And I think that is the hardest thing about wanting your children to go away- they know you want them to go away. I am extremely grateful that their daddy is able to step in today. It's been a very hard thing to decide, daddy needs to be at work so our family can eat, but daddy needs to be at home so our family can have peace. George recently opted for peace and quit one of his jobs- the janitor one that is 50 miles away and pays $1.50 less an hour than his other job. Right now, he has more been given hours at the Home Depot (they have more to give during summer) and we hope to hear good news soon about another part time job he interviewed for a few weeks ago. Things could be getting better, you know? We just got our stuff back, George could get this job. I don't know. It's very baby-stepish though. It's not at all like I had thought it would be. All of this time we have been waiting, this fourteen months since graduation, this whole year now that we left seminary housing, I have thought there would be that phonecall, then that interview, then that second interview, then the big move- like Exodus or something. This is more like after the exodus when everyone is wandering around. And reading may be about as exciting as reading those law books from during that time (my apologies to God and Moses). But people who really know Scripture find all kinds of cool things in those books. Perhaps I am finding cool things and don't even know it?
I leave you with ambivalence. I'm frustrated. I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful George will get this other part time job, yet frustrated because a part time job is not a solution to our financial or occupational issues. I'm grateful for relief in that George is going to be home more for the next few days and that we have retrieved our belongings. I'm frustrated that after all of this time, it is just "minor" relief and provision instead of the major breakthrough I was hoping for. I am frustrated with myself for being frustrated. I am frustrated that I am not enjoying my children more. I am hopeful that George being home more will give me some relief. I'm frustrated with the Lord for seeming to be sitting this one out. I'm hopeful that he is orchestrating amazing things and it is just because I am finite and faithless that I don't see it yet. I'm frustrated with this post. I don't like it at all. But it's real. And that's something. And I did tell you not to read it.