Sunday, February 28, 2010

Undue Celebrity?

Okay, I just have to wonder, how in the world did Katie Brown get a show? Have y'all seen this? Now, I 'm not saying that I could do any better, because I am not a big "crafter." And most quick crafts, the kind you can explain and assemble in a five minute television segment, strike me as a waste of five minutes of what could have otherwise been good TV. Seriously, is something really a craft if it can be done in five minutes by just anyone? Someone should have come up with a different word by now. But anyway, Katie Brown's "crafts" are not only a waste of time, but they're also contrived and odd. The idea of doing one of these types of projects is usually to create something with which to set one's table for entertaining of some sort. Where some craft show type projects might inspire a guest to remark, "Oh, how clever!" or even just to offer a polite and vanilla, "Awww, cute," these pieces seem more likely to leave an observer bewildered or distracted wondering, "What is that supposed to be?" or even simply, "Why?" Her tagline is "keep it simple," but that is exactly what she seems to be unable to do. She takes something perfectly mediocre and "good enough" and makes it into something ugly and ridiculous.

Take, for example, her Valentine's Day placemats, a plain woven black placemat that has been shot with Cupid's arrow. Now, why we would want to make our place mats fall in love is a question I can't begin to wonder at, but assuming we do, I actually do think that I could come up with a better craft. The "arrow" in this craft is nothing more than a faux fern frond spray painted silver. The pointed end is stuck through one corner to be the head of the arrow, and a few of the leaflets from lower down are inverted and stuck through the other side of the corner to make the fletching. Yes, it's that simple... Never mind the fact that it looks exactly like a placemat with a plastic spray painted fern sticking out of it.

Still not convinced? Then take her flower arrangements from the same show. I will say that part of the visual to this could be somewhat inspiring with other flowers or fruits, but A) there is no need to waste five minutes explaining the obvious, and B) what's up with the red water? But I'm getting ahead of myself. So she has these giant cylindrical vases, like three feet tall, that she fills halfway up with water and then squirts a bunch of red food coloring in there to make the water all red. Then she takes some limes and some roses, lops the blooms off the roses and slices the limes in half, and jams a giant skewer through the middles to make a kabob of sorts, which she then immerses in the red water. The result is an arrangement that makes it appear as if she has killed the flowers and fruit by way of impalement and then left them in a bath of their own blood. Sorry, but it does!

Surely you don't still need to be convinced? Perhaps you think it was just the one show? Okay, you do deserve an example from a different show. And so I give you the craft that inspired this blog post, "faux-real trees." Is that supposed to be a pun? Fo' real?! (chuckle, chuckle) Okay, so she takes a few cone shaped metallic-hued structures (one was most likely spray painted grapevine and another was almost certainly glitter coated styrofoam), and then she gets some pine boughs, some Christmas tree clippings, and various other sprigs of Christmas-time flora, and starts hot gluing a twig here and a spray there, willy-nilly, until she has essentially bedazzled the already gaudy tree, whose purpose it is to last year after year, with soon to be dried out pieces of dead trees. The upside is that since it is now ruined for next year, we won't have to look at it again after this Christmas season is past. The downside is, of course, that we have to look at it at all.

For you sensitive folks, of whom I am one, I will have to allow that she is, in all likelihood, a perfectly adorable person who is probably very nice and accomplished. I am sure it would be an honor to sit at her table and even a lot of fun, not to mention that it would doubtless be a delicious experience. Nonetheless, she needs to 86 the crafting portions of her show, or, as she calls them, "nest" and "grow." And she needs to get some better pictures on her website so that when I make fun of her show, I can put up a picture so y'all know what I'm talking about!


Fittsy said...

Maybe she and Sandra Lee could host dinner parties together. Everything would be semi-delightful!

george said...

I guess all of your friends are closet crafters. You're comments hit too close to home and you've offended them all.

Katherine said...

hilarious! i can just picture the impalement and blood bath. yikes! really, i always wish we lived closer when i read your blog. i think we would be great friends. :)

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